Two facts everyone should know about me: first I am magnet for weird dates and second that I can eat a lot of food. All of my friends and family called me the tank; even some of my dates now that I think about it.
I was lined up with a great guy who was sure he could cure my bad luck. He was sent to me by way of my roommate, who told him that I was in desperate need of someone normal. He told me all this in the first few minutes of our date and kind of laughed at my crazy life. “Have you ever tried to get out of a date, once you were on it before?” he asked with a smile. “Sometimes I will look for exits and think of good reasons I would have to go home, but most of the time I just laugh to myself and have fun,” I replied.
“So is it true that if the date goes bad you’ll try to embarrass me?” He asked
“No, I won’t TRY, I WILL embarrass you.” I said with confidence
“Sorry to burst your bubble honey, but I don’t get embarrassed.”
“That’s because you’ve never met me.”
“Okay, hot shot, I’ll bet you dinner for a week that you can’t embarrass me by the end of our date.”
“What if I can embarrass you by the end of our dinner tonight?”
“I’ll be amazed!”
The restaurant was packed that night and after being seated I began to be as clingy and needy as possible. However, he wasn’t budging and if anything he was dishing it right back. I knew that I would have to pull out the big guns to really get this guy. I was racking my brain for something I could get him on, when the waitress came by to clear our plates. I had been so busy plotting that I hadn’t really eaten much of my dinner. She kindly asked if I would need a box, but my date answered for me by saying, “no, the tank can finish it, can’t you?!” I knew I had him…
I threw down my fork and said,
“I knew you thought I was fat! Do you know what I’ve been through for you…so that I could look good for you? I have been running for months so that I could fit into this dress, and be everything you want me to be. I was willing to run my body into the ground so that I could look good. I love you and I’m sorry if I just wanted our anniversary dinner to be perfect so that you wouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen with me. But, I was wrong, you are embarrassed, and I’ll never been as good looking as your old girl friends that you’re always comparing me to, why do I even try…” I progressively got louder and louder (remember that it was packed that night).
His eyes got really big and he was begging for our check to come faster. In the mean time he desperately tried to calm me down and get us out of there. As he was pushing me out the door I kept saying, “Oh no I’ve embarrassed you! I’m sorry baby, I’m so sorry.” Once we were out in the car I smiled and said, “I’ll have café Rio one of the days please!”
He was in shock for a good 30 minutes; and did know what else to do but take me home that night. He did tell me though, that if there was an Olympic event for embarrassing someone I would have the gold. He never asked me out again…I wonder why.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
But, the story is not done there. I was at work and one of the ladies told me she had finally heard a story that could top mine (like a said earlier it was pretty well know that I have ridiculous dates). She begins by saying how this guy went on a blind date and his date had a complete melt down in the restaurant, all to win lunch for a week. “Oh hey there he is now,” she said quietly. Right then he walked over and handed me my lunch; they all looked at me; what else could I say at that moment but, “he asked for it!”
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